Fractured Fairytale: The Little Mermaid

Once there was a little mermaid who lived in a city deep in the ocean with her father, grandmother, and five sisters. She was happy there in the sea with the fishes and the whales, but she longed to see the world above the ocean. Luckily for her, on the day mermaids turn fifteen, they are allowed to swim up to the surface for one day. For the little mermaid, that day was today.
The little mermaid hovered impatiently in front of her grandmother as she brushed her hair. "Do humans live forever, grandmother? Can they breathe underwater?"
"No, child," the grandmother replied, "Humans only live for less than a century, while we mermaids live for three hundred years. But they have an immortal soul that lives on in heaven after they die. We simply turn into water bottles and cease to exist."
The little mermaid pondered this as she swam up to the ocean surface. "I wish I had a soul. I don't want to turn into a water bottle."
When the little mermaid reached the surface, she was in awe of what she saw before her. The sun was bright and soft-looking clouds hung lazily in the sky. In the distance, there was a beautiful ship and she finally saw them. Humans. And among the humans, there was a handsome prince whom, despite her having just seen him from a distance, she fell madly in love with.
Unfortunately, there was another ship, and that ship just so happened to have pirates on it. The pirates attacked the prince's ship and killed everyone on board besides the prince, who they decided to ransom back to his kingdom.
The little mermaid was shocked by the total badassery of the hot pirate captain and fell madly in love with him instead. Suddenly, a terrible storm whipped up and the pirate ship exploded into a million pieces. The little mermaid searched the water frantically to find the pirate captain. Fortunately, the captain had been smart enough to push the prince off a piece of floating debris and take it for himself.
The pirate captain fell unconscious and, knowing he probably wouldn't last long drifting along in the ocean,  the little mermaid dragged him to the shore of Scallywag Cove. She swam away quickly as the pirate regained consciousness, but not before he was able to catch a delirious glimpse of her fine mermaid tail.  
Wishing for a way to become human so that she could be a pirate herself, the little mermaid swam back down into the ocean. She wandered and wandered until she came across a stained glass laden reef which she had never seen before.  She kept swimming until she found herself in what looked like a sunken castle. "I wonder if anyone lives here?"
A childish, yet demented laugh echoed through the halls of the ruined castle. "Who are you who stumbles upon the Sea Witch's home?"
The little mermaid spun around, startled. "I'm the youngest daughter of the Sea King. Are you really the sea witch?"
"Yes," replied the witch, her smile innocent, but also unsettling, "now, you poor unfortunate soul, you must have something you want more than anything. That's the only thing that could have brought you here."
"Actually… there is one thing…" the little mermaid admitted.
"And what might that be?"
"I want to become human so I can be a pirate and have a soul and not turn into water bottles when I die!"
The Sea Witch gave the little mermaid a wide and creepy grin. "Well, I can make that happen… for a price.
"Name your price!"
The Sea Witch succumbed to a bout of insane laughter before responding. "Very well, then. I will take your tongue and your left eye."
"What do you need those for?" The little mermaid asked.
"Oh, I need the tongue for a spell, but taking an eye will make you look more piratey."
The little mermaid just shrugged and stuck out her tongue. "Heh oo goah."
"Wait a sec. I have to tell you about the effects and conditions of this potion!" exclaimed the Sea Witch, "First off, this potion will give you the same grace you have while swimming in the water, which will make you a helluva swordswoman. However, your feet will constantly feel like they're being stabbed. Oh, and if your guy marries another chick, you'll turn into a rainbow uniduck and then explode into sparkles. It used to just do the whole mermaid death thing with the water bottles, but we're trying to cut down on the pollution in the ocean."
"Oh… ok," the little mermaid replied, getting impatient, "you can take my tongue and my eye, now."
And so, the Sea Witch took the little mermaid's eye and tongue and gave her the magical potion to turn her human. As she drank the potion, she felt like she was going to implode. The little mermaid shot out of the ocean and her fin split into two beautiful legs. She landed, naked, on the beach of Scallywag Cove.
When she came to, she realized that being naked on a beach of a pirate settlement probably wasn't a good idea, so she went in search of something to clothe herself with. Coincidentally, she found a chest half buried in the sand with a hot swashbuckler chick outfit, an eye patch, and a cutlass (this is one lucky mer-human chick).

Ok… since this is getting a little long, I'm going to give you the rundown of what happens next. Basically, the little mermaid joins the pirate captain's crew and becomes super BA. They sail off, gloriously pillaging and plundering until they reach an island with a bunch of hot Amazon chicks. The pirate falls in love with their fiery young princess and they get married, causing the little mermaid to become a majestic rainbow uniduck and explode into sparkles. Seeing how stupid the pirate captain was, however, Aphrodite sent out magical love beams to turn the remains of the little mermaid into a vicious sea monster who ate everyone.
The End.